My Ideal Guy
He never mattered to me...he was just another face in the sea, another stone in the quarry. He was new. "So, you're the new member", eyes filled with amusement and something else sparkled at me. I didn't want to be drawn..no one ever wants to be. Yet I smiled back, and my heart wanted to meet him too, cause it ran a speedy race to my eyes, chuckling with retarded glee. Yeah, pretty corny, but my life is a pretty corny story, except I suspect the ending isn't as happy as most love stories are.
I spent more time than I should have talking to him, laughing with him, walking with him, standing with him, being with him. Don't get me wrong, I didn't spend all my waking hours with him, but I sure dedicated a lot of it to him. Ok, so it wasn't a lot, but I sure thought about it. The few we did manage to spend together...precious emerald shards. He made me laugh, he was funny without even trying. He was interesting, he was fresh. He wasn't like everyone else, I guess the word I'm looking for is, unique. He wasn't from around here as well, he was foreign. He was....younger. My brain knew that, and it was about to tell me too, right about the same time my heart took a bat to brain's poor head.
But time wasn't for it either. It broke our connection and pushed me across the oceans. So why could I still hear his laugh, see his smile, read his words? Oh yeah, Technology! (Thank God for that) It almost made distance an illusion, but just almost.
It was unbelievable! We became closer. We'd talk every day, well almost everyday. We stole bits of time for ourselves. It was bliss. He made me happy. He removed the gloom. He made me smile from another continent. I thought it'd pass, "just a cupcake phase". It didn't pass. It got more intense. He was in my bedroom, in my thoughts, in my shower. He invaded my life, and I welcomed it, but my brain came to. "Foolish girl, why did you let yourself go down this path again". All the arguments why I shouldn't, came rushing in. It was too late though, my heart was laughing across the oceans, mocking my brain. "When did you escape you crazy organ", but my heart kept laughing like the crazed hatter in Alice in Wonderland. I didn't care. It'd work this time. He thought I was 'beautiful'. I made him 'nervous'. I 'amused' him. I had never thought I could do that. He didn't mind that I was obsessed with Korean series. He didn't mind that I'm 18 and I have 3 teddies who cuddle with me each night. He didn't mind my love handles. He thought I was 'beautiful. I thought he was 'my ideal guy'. I didn't know he existed. I didn't want to mess this up, like I mess up everything.
It all started as a game, but it ended in tears. Perhaps I shouldn't have popped the question, but I had to know. "When are you going to ask me out?", I panicked, I messed up, I made a mistake. I had messed up the game, made it real, made it intense. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to, now I wish I hadn't. He took it like he took everything, in his stride. He knew me too well, "You don't want a long distance relationship". Yeah, he was right. But you understand right? It's not really about being asked out, but knowing that he wanted to. Knowing someone wants you so much they'd commit. No one has ever wanted me like that. Yeah, I'm good for company, for a substitute, but never as the 'lady in red'. He wants me like that, but time doesn't want me like that. He's gonna be in another place, far far far away, and I'm going to be here, in my room, sitting behind my laptop, pretending distance is an illusion, and I can just skip over into his waiting arms.
I've written too much, I've poured my heart out on a page that will probably never be read by anyone. But I had to tell someone, "no better listeners than strangers right?" I still can't believe I messed it up, it was too good, so I had to make it bad, as if that made it more real somehow.... But I really am done now. So go ahead. Sit behind your laptop screens and judge me, "LOL! Look how weak she is, crying over some guy. Dude, she's seriously overreacting...smh". Maybe I am, I don't know. I don't even make sense to me anymore, but what I know is, it hurts. Hurts more than when I lost the guy I thought I was in love with (maybe I still am), hurts more than when I was but a mistress to a guy I wanted to give my all to, and it shouldn't. I don't love him, don't get me wrong, but I weep for the fact that I can never love him, not even if I wanted to. Cause you know what, I really want to.....
I spent more time than I should have talking to him, laughing with him, walking with him, standing with him, being with him. Don't get me wrong, I didn't spend all my waking hours with him, but I sure dedicated a lot of it to him. Ok, so it wasn't a lot, but I sure thought about it. The few we did manage to spend together...precious emerald shards. He made me laugh, he was funny without even trying. He was interesting, he was fresh. He wasn't like everyone else, I guess the word I'm looking for is, unique. He wasn't from around here as well, he was foreign. He was....younger. My brain knew that, and it was about to tell me too, right about the same time my heart took a bat to brain's poor head.
But time wasn't for it either. It broke our connection and pushed me across the oceans. So why could I still hear his laugh, see his smile, read his words? Oh yeah, Technology! (Thank God for that) It almost made distance an illusion, but just almost.
It was unbelievable! We became closer. We'd talk every day, well almost everyday. We stole bits of time for ourselves. It was bliss. He made me happy. He removed the gloom. He made me smile from another continent. I thought it'd pass, "just a cupcake phase". It didn't pass. It got more intense. He was in my bedroom, in my thoughts, in my shower. He invaded my life, and I welcomed it, but my brain came to. "Foolish girl, why did you let yourself go down this path again". All the arguments why I shouldn't, came rushing in. It was too late though, my heart was laughing across the oceans, mocking my brain. "When did you escape you crazy organ", but my heart kept laughing like the crazed hatter in Alice in Wonderland. I didn't care. It'd work this time. He thought I was 'beautiful'. I made him 'nervous'. I 'amused' him. I had never thought I could do that. He didn't mind that I was obsessed with Korean series. He didn't mind that I'm 18 and I have 3 teddies who cuddle with me each night. He didn't mind my love handles. He thought I was 'beautiful. I thought he was 'my ideal guy'. I didn't know he existed. I didn't want to mess this up, like I mess up everything.
It all started as a game, but it ended in tears. Perhaps I shouldn't have popped the question, but I had to know. "When are you going to ask me out?", I panicked, I messed up, I made a mistake. I had messed up the game, made it real, made it intense. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to, now I wish I hadn't. He took it like he took everything, in his stride. He knew me too well, "You don't want a long distance relationship". Yeah, he was right. But you understand right? It's not really about being asked out, but knowing that he wanted to. Knowing someone wants you so much they'd commit. No one has ever wanted me like that. Yeah, I'm good for company, for a substitute, but never as the 'lady in red'. He wants me like that, but time doesn't want me like that. He's gonna be in another place, far far far away, and I'm going to be here, in my room, sitting behind my laptop, pretending distance is an illusion, and I can just skip over into his waiting arms.
I've written too much, I've poured my heart out on a page that will probably never be read by anyone. But I had to tell someone, "no better listeners than strangers right?" I still can't believe I messed it up, it was too good, so I had to make it bad, as if that made it more real somehow.... But I really am done now. So go ahead. Sit behind your laptop screens and judge me, "LOL! Look how weak she is, crying over some guy. Dude, she's seriously overreacting...smh". Maybe I am, I don't know. I don't even make sense to me anymore, but what I know is, it hurts. Hurts more than when I lost the guy I thought I was in love with (maybe I still am), hurts more than when I was but a mistress to a guy I wanted to give my all to, and it shouldn't. I don't love him, don't get me wrong, but I weep for the fact that I can never love him, not even if I wanted to. Cause you know what, I really want to.....
This is amazingly depressing. Wish I could give you a hug right now.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could too :(
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