Once upon a time, I wrote my last goodbye.

So many thoughts running through my head, I don't even know where to start. Brother, boyfriend, best friend; all just words, but placed in my memories, they evoke emotions. Like pieces of a scattered puzzle, each word a unit of a part. Put them together and boom! It forms a picture, not a very pretty one either. To you, my reader, these words are meaningless, but to me they mean a thousand and one things. They mean pain, joy, happiness, sin, guilt, hurt, heartache, arguments, stolen hours and dreaded mornings. 

I never really appreciated how one action can change everything. It can move you from siblings to strangers, from cherished memories to shame filled remembrances, from best friends to awkward acquaintances.  

If I had known that my actions would lead me here, would I have still embarked on them? The answer should be no, but I might have gone on to do something I would regret even more. So I guess I have to be satisfied with the evils of the moment. 

Brother: Seeing you now, it's hard to believe that I cradled your head in my lap while you wept into my thighs. Hard to fathom that out of the same mouth that came heart wrenching sobs, could also spew such abuse and hate. I can't understand how the same voice that lowered to beg me to understand, could raise up in rage and anger. Walking through the corridors is not the person I once knew, living in you is an alien quite unfamiliar with the love I showed you, one that's intimidated by the order that we live in. Each day since the altercation, a part of me wants to ignore you, pretend that we're merely strangers, that nothing connects us save the air that we breathe. However, the part of me that worried when you stormed out the house and hadn't been back after 3 hours, that part of me still reaches out to you. It's hard to extend the olive branch when the other person doesn't want to grab on, but I'll try anyway. 

Boyfriend: A part of me says that you were the best thing to ever happen to me, but another part screams that you were the worst. From the first day of meeting you, our path has been fraught with obstacles. Trails and tribulations have been our constant companions, leading us through tumultuous and dark waters. Through the ever present deluge of rain, slivers of happiness and pleasure slither through, but only just for a second, and then it's back to a life of constant pain and guilt. At last I spy a break in the road, one that would lead us away from each other, but bring relief as well. I feel saddened as well as relieved. "Parting is such sweet sorrow that I'll say goodnight...", but unlike Juliet, it seems that I won't say goodnight until tonight becomes tomorrow, but forever. Would we meet again in future? Maybe. Would it be awkward? Maybe. Would it be happy? Maybe. Would it be with a shared sadness? Maybe. You once said that you wish you'd cleaned up your act before us, I wish I'd had the sense and self restraint to wait. Nonetheless, it's too late to cry over spilt milk. So I'm going to do what's best for us, and walk away. Think not that it gives me joy to walk away from you. It hurts, like ripping a band-aid off a gaping wound. But, the pain will only be temporary, and the benefits everlasting...... Or so I tell myself. So consider this my last goodbye, or maybe see you later? 

Best friend: If ever I have called you friend through my teenage years, then I speak to you now. This is the hardest part, the part I dreaded the most. How does one cut off an arm that they've lived with for so many years? Taking this step is like cutting off my own arm from my body. Know now that I would not do this if it were not a matter of life or death. Please do not panic, I have not been diagnosed with a terminal illness and this my dramatic goodbye. This is a plea to forgive me, for I have a chosen a path that would most likely cause you to hate me. I beg you to understand that my drawing away from you was no fault of yours, but of mine. I never should have gotten so close in the first place. I should have cut the cord that bound us together years ago, but like a coward I let it get this far. I have chosen to live a life that would make no sense to you. This might hurt now, but the hurt will go away. Please shed no tears, but I assure you that I've already done so, and will probably continue to do so until the ache becomes nothing more than a numb memory. As time goes on I hope that you might remember me sometimes, maybe with a fond smile, until then please accept this last goodbye.