Just let go

Annyeonghaseyo Yeorobun/ 안녕하세요 여러분/ Hello people (^.^)

I know it's been a while, but you must be aware by now that I don't have a reputation as a regular blogger. Hmm. Actually, I should really work on that. Anyway, there are so many things I want to talk about that I don't even know where to begin. So just a fair warning, this is probably going to be a long post, get your popcorn. :P

When the clock strikes midnight on the 16th of July 2014, I will officially be a graduate. Woohoo!!! Yay!!!! *Drums bang and cymbals clash* Three years of lectures, seminars, presentations, essays and exams, leading to one single moment. What was all that effort for you ask? A single piece of paper. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered coming to university, and then I remember that I come from a high achieving African household. My father has big dreams for me. Phd anyone? :D I don't have the heart to tell him that I have no intention of getting a Masters, talk less a Phd. Let's just say that I have a different set of priorities from my dad. 

I will never forget my last week of assessments. I had to hand in my dissertation on Tuesday, and two essays on Friday. Now keep in mind that my dissertation has a limit of 12000 words, and the other essays were 5000 words each. In all my life, I can honestly say that I have never faced such pressure and stress as I did that week. I would occasionally break down into tears, and I ate almost nothing. I started developing bald patches, and experienced frequent dizzy spells. My body just couldn't cope with the amount of stress it was under. Not to mention that my mum had been ill before this, so I was also worried about her. I considered applying for extenuating circumstance, but I decided against it. I had never applied for one, why break my track record now? I can honestly say that from Monday to Friday of that week, I probably slept for a total of 24 hours. On the very last day, I raced out of my house at 4am. Prior to this, I had been sitting at my desk, staring at my laptop and experiencing the worst case of writers block ever. With less than 10 hours to hand in my last essay, I had only written 600 words, and utter rubbish at that. I curled myself into a ball on the floor, and cried. Have you ever felt such pressure that you feel like your heart's about to burst? You can actually feel an ache, and it gets so intense that you feel the muscles of your heart struggle with each beat. That's how I felt on that day. After a while, I realised that it would benefit me more to pull myself together and go hole up in the library. So with a mad sprint, I dashed off at 4 in the morning to Hallward. I didn't even bother to unwrap my hair from the scarf it was in. I looked the very definition of ratchet, and I didn't care. I made the 30 minute journey in less than 25 minutes, and spent the walk clearing my head. After saying a short prayer, I surrounded myself with as many applied ethics books that I could find, and sat down to the gruelling task of exploring moral considerations around drugs and pornography. On the best of days, applied ethics is a weak spot for me. On that day, it became my biggest nightmare. At about 8am, my friend joined me in the library. Together, we attempted to tackle this monster that we had left stewing too long. However, it proved insurmountable for her, as she ended up panicking so much that it induced an asthma attack. My other friend was too tired to come in, as she too had given up. Nevertheless, I trudged on. Eventually, hunger and fatigue began to catch up with me. My stomach chose that day to complain loudly in protest of my self-imposed hunger strike. I had to get up frequently in order to avoid the pitying stares from other students in the silent section. To make it even worse, the roaring of my stomach sounded like really loud farts. After a while, their sympathy turned into irritation as the sounds grew longer and louder. I couldn't decide if I found the situation humorous or embarrassing. With less than an hour to go, I had managed to dredge up 3500 words. Throwing caution to the wind, I abandoned all attempts at gaining a good mark, and concentrated on finishing the essay. As the hands of the clock raced towards the deadline, I frantically stabbed at my keyboard in a bid to finish the bibliography. With the hounds of hell nipping at my feet, I printed and submitted with less than a minute to the deadline. Bleary eyed and battle weary, I slowly stumbled back to the war field. I gradually became aware of the mess I had left in my trail. Books, papers, bags, bottles, pencils, pens; all these lay strewn around the desk that had been my nest for the night. Euphoria set in as I tidied up the desk and returned the books I had used. As I walked out of the library, I wanted to turn around at the doors and take a bow. I should have, for it would have been a fitting end to my final curtain call. 

Ah, but it was all worth it, as the University of Nottingham has decided to award me with a joint honours degree in Sociology and Social Policy. Nonetheless, I must talk about the results day. What a humiliating practice it is to put up the students' names under their degree classification. It invades their very sense of privacy, and goes against ethical standards. However, it is a tradition that most have complained about, but have not taken action against. It is a rather weird experience to have your friend call you up and inform you of your results. What did I get? Well wouldn't you like to know. ;) Moving on!

For a while now, being a primary school teacher has been my dream career. It always yields a mixed response whenever I communicate this to people. I always get the feeling that they think I can do better. I often get told, "don't sell yourself short" or "you're just looking for an easy way out". Frankly I think this is insulting to teachers around the globe. But whatever, I'm not here to rant about that. There are different routes that you can take into teaching in England, and I chose to go down the National SCITT route. Basically, it involves spending most of your time at a school. You get a lot of experience, and it's a hands-on approach to learning. You have to apply through a university, and I applied to three. I was invited for an interview by the University of Nottingham, and up until this Sunday, I was in two minds about going. When I first applied, I thought that was the route I wished to take. However, after doing more research and speaking to teachers who work in state schools, I wasn't certain anymore. Listening to a talk at a meeting this Sunday helped me to make my decision. It was titled, "just let go". I realised that taking this path would require me holding on to things that should really not take priority in my life. Yes, I want to teach at a primary school, but how far am I willing to go for it? Would I place it above my spiritual goals? The SCITT course is intensive and challenging, not to mention that it lasts for a year. At this point in my life, I cannot afford to make such a commitment. Being at university really took a toll on my spirituality, and I'm not prepared to expose myself again. This course would require me to be away from home, and experience has shown that I achieve the best spiritual growth when I'm among family and friends. I'm not ready to sacrifice my spirituality in pursuit of material things, or career goals. So, I turned down the interview. My dad will probably be mad when he hears about this, but it's too late as I've withdrawn my application. I want to trust Jehovah with all my heart, and show him that I am prepared to 'let go'. Of course, this doesn't mean that I intend to sponge off my parents. I'm currently taking a TEFL course, which on completion will allow me to teach English as a foreign language anywhere in the world, but more importantly closer to home. With a degree, and a TEFL certificate, I hope to find a job in a local college offering classes to adult learners. I might even end up applying for a teaching assistant position in schools closer to home. Either way, whatever I decide to do will be something that gives me time to concentrate on growing myself spiritually, something that I have been neglecting till now. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. If my time at university has taught me anything, it's taught me that hard work pays off. So here I am, ready to 'just let go'. 

Oh yeah! I totally ticked an item off my bucket list (Yes, I actually have one). I finally got purple braids!!!!!! ^_^ I didn't think my mum would let me, but she totally did! Yay me! It has definitely gotten me a lot of compliments, and stares from strangers. More importantly, it doesn't interfere with my preaching work. It's probably for the best that I am not going for the interview. Can you imagine me turning up with purple hair? They would think I'm having a laugh. :P

    

Ddo Bwayo/ 또봐요/ See you later!