Skeletons in my closet

"How do I tell her? I can't tell her. I can't let her know. It's too late now. Too late...". These thoughts ran through my head as I sat at my study desk, setting menial tasks for my Disney city girl to do. I tried to block out their voices as they discussed perverted uncles who tried stupid stuff with their nieces. 

I say I tried because it wasn't working. My brain kept screaming at me that I owed my mum that information, if not for my sake then for my little sister's sake. "We wouldn't want a repeat of what happened in the past do we now, Rose?", my brain asked me. "Shut up brain". But my brain wouldn't hush, wishing to impress my duty upon me. I logged unto Spotify, seeking to drown myself in the empty sounds of Dubstep, but my brain wasn't having any of that as it sucked me into a memory I would much rather forget. 

The clouds ran grey that day, casting a dull pallor on everything under it, even the flowers seemed downcast with misery as their petals drooped with a sweeping motion towards the ground. My mum set her shopping bags by the door as she prepared to head out to the market place for the weekly purchase. My dad had long gone to work, and my baby sister lay sleeping upstairs. My cousin and I occupied ourselves by playing Oware downstairs. "John......John.....John!", my mother called out to her younger brother as she walked to the front door, "I'm going to the market, please keep an eye on these children, and don't forget to lock the door". "Bye mummy", I called out to my mum as she closed the door behind her. As soon as he heard the door shut, John shuffled down the stairs. We watched him come down the stairs, white singlet and shorts in tow. At the time I never paid much mind to him, the only thing that ever stuck in my mind was that his eyes weren't really like mine. I later learned that he had a visual disorder called Squint, but to a ten year old child it simply seemed as if his eyeballs always chose different things to look at simultaneously. He walked to the door and locked it, turning towards us with a speculative glint in his eye. We turned our attention back to the game, but quickly lost interest as he approached us. 

"Who would like to play a game?", he asked. "Me!", my cousin and I screamed simultaneously as we scrambled up the floor to leap in excitement. "Okay, before I count to ten, run up to my room and lie on the bed. I'll come and show you the game. 1...2...". Like rats with a cat on their tail, we ran up the stairs, trying to get there before the other. Collapsing on his mattress, we giggled with careless abandon, happy to have gotten there before he finished counting. He took his sweet time getting upstairs. As we heard him making his way up the stairs, we quieted down and pretended to be asleep. Perhaps if we'd had our eyes open, then it wouldn't have happened. He opened the door and strode into the room. Not wanting to spoil the game, we shut our eyes really tight. I heard him open his wardrobe and potter around in there for a while. With his characteristic shuffle, I heard him approach the bed. I felt it dip to the side...the side with my cousin on it. I heard the slight rustle of material and felt my cousin move. With mounting curiosity, I wanted to peek and see why we hadn't started the game yet. Lifting my eyelid gently, I saw an image that is but hazy in my memories now. I saw my uncle on my cousin, it seemed to me that he was pressing his body into hers while making small movements. Not understanding what I was seeing, I stayed quite still. After a while I heard him breathing quite heavily, and felt the bed revert back to its normal position. I grew bored of staying on the bed, pretending to be asleep, so I opened my eyes to wake my cousin up. It was then that I saw him come out of the bathroom and approach my side of the bed. 

I was afraid that he would try to lie on top of me like he'd done to my cousin. So I turned around and pressed my face into the mattress. Pulling on my legs he said to me, "I know you're awake Rose, turn around so we can play a game". I didn't know what he wanted to do, but a certain fear of my uncle had grown in me, so I refused to do as he asked. He forcefully tried to turn me around, but I held on fast to the mattress. I remember lying on the bed afraid that something bad was going to happen to me. He stopped trying to turn me around and I relaxed, thinking it was over. It was then that he took the opportunity to raise my skirt and force himself into my poop-hole. My memories fail me as I try to recollect exactly what happened then, but all I recall was thinking to myself that it felt very strange. I was frozen, too afraid to move or scream in case he made it hurt even more. He kept trying to push himself deeper and deeper into me, until I felt as if whatever was in me was touching the wall of my stomach. After a while the strange feeling stopped, and that was when I realised that he'd pulled out. He flipped me over, trying to pull my panties down and have his way with me. I shut my legs really hard and prayed, to someone...anyone. I prayed that he would stop because I didn't want him to do those strange things to me again, especially not in front. My mum had always drilled it into me that no one should ever touch me down there. "Open your legs Rose, I know you're awake, so stop pretending", he said to me as he continued trying to pry my legs open. 

Someone must have heard my prayer, because just as we was succeeding, my mother banged on the door downstairs. "John, let me into the house", she called, as she kept knocking on the door. I opened my eyes to see him looking between me and his door. My mother won out, as her calls rose in volume and we heard her attempting to break the door open. He left me and ran to open the door for her. As soon as he left the room, I left his room. My cousin must have left after me, because by the time he made it back upstairs, she had gone as well. In bed that night so many thoughts flew through my head, "Why did he do it? What will mummy say if I tell her? Should I ask my cousin what happened to her? Will I get pregnant even though he didn't touch me down there?". A fleeting memory flashed through my mind. I vaguely remembered my uncle exposing himself to my cousin and I, trying to get us to put his member in our mouths. I thought I remembered him bouncing me against his lap as a baby, with his 'thing' rubbing against my bottom. I quickly suppressed both memories, choosing not to remember instead. For days after the incident, I lived in a state of fear, doing everything possible to avoid my uncle. Unfortunately, that wasn't always possible. Two other incidents occurred to strengthen my growing dislike for my uncle. 

My parents traveled for the weekend, leaving my cousin and I in the care of my uncle. I tried to beg my parents not to, but since I couldn't tell them why, they left with my baby sister. I spent most of the day playing outside, much preferring the company of the ants outside to that of my slime ball of an uncle. My cousin played with me for a bit, but went inside when she grew bored. I begged her to stay outside with me, but she refused, wanting to lie down for a bit. I fearfully let her go, knowing that my uncle was in the house. After a while, I went inside to check on her, not liking the eery silence in the house. On approaching the stairs, I heard my cousin scream. I ran upstairs to help her, instinctively knowing that my uncle was hurting her. I got to his door, only to discover that he'd locked it. "Uncle John, please stop, please don't do that...", I pleaded with him as my little fists pounded the door. I peered through a crack in the door and saw him rutting away on top of her, while he held her down. My cousin begged him, "Uncle John.....no...please stop", but he just kept pumping away. Tears formed a dirty streak down my face, mixing with the dirt from outside, as I begged him to stop hurting her. After a while I heard a grunt, and then the door was unlocked. I barged in and saw him standing in the middle of the room. I looked at my cousin as she tearfully tried to bring some order back to her clothes. My eyes trailed back to my uncle as he stood there, with his shorts around his ankles. He flicked his tongue around his lips, sweat beading his upper lip, eyes focused on the thing in his hands and on me. On closer inspection I realised that he held a condom between his fingers, with something white inside of it. He carried his 'trophy' into the bathroom to flush it down the toilet, and my cousin and I took the opportunity to escape. In my room, I tried to process what I'd seen, but my brain refused to cooperate. I heard my cousin rinsing off in the bathroom. When she came out I tried comforting her, but she didn't want to discuss it. So I let it go, just like every other bad thing that happened in my life from then. 

Later on that weekend, I holed myself up in my room, too afraid of what would happen if I left my room. "Hello Rose...", my uncle's voice startled me into dropping my dolls on the floor. I turned around to see him standing in my doorway. "Uncle John...", I squeaked as I wondered how he'd managed to unlock my door. "Want to play a game Rose?", he asked as he approached me. "N...n...no...th...thank you", I stuttered as I crawled away from him. With a sudden unexpected movement, he grabbed my ankle and dragged me towards him. "Nooooooo, Uncle John...please...", I cried as I clawed at the floor trying to get away, giving myself rug burn in the process. I kicked out at him, my breath leaving my body in a whoosh as he landed on top of me. I turned my head from side to side as he tried to stick his tongue down my throat. "Stop struggling Rose, there's no one else in the house to help you. Stop struggling and I won't hurt you". The fight left my body as I realised that what he said was true. My cousin was outside visiting a neighbour that invited her over. His hands drifted down to his shorts, and I heard the metallic draw of the zipper as it came undone. I'd once watched a cartoon and they'd talked about a happy place, a good place in your mind that you go to when bad things happen. So I shut my eyes and invented a happy place, one where little girls stayed 10 forever and nothing bad happened to them. Dreading the moment when he would force himself into me, I was surprised when it never came. Rather he must have been too impatient to even bother, as he rubbed himself against my thighs, like a dog in heat that humps a human leg. After a while, I felt a warm liquid drip down my thighs. I closed my eyes until he left my room. Not wanting to see him with a lascivious grin on his face, as he wiped himself off and zipped up his shorts. When I heard the door close, I got up and went to the bathroom to wash his semen off my legs. With a worrying feeling of detachment, I crumbled up the memory and locked it in a far corner of my mind. When my parents came back, I didn't tell them what happened. It was as if my cousin and I took an oath of silence. 

The sound of a notification on my phone brought me back to the present. My city girl stood staring at me mournfully, as if she too thought I should tell my mother. "What do you know, you're just a simulated game character", I thought uncharitably as I stood up, putting my laptop screen down. For the time that he lived with us, I kept a watchful look on my sister, making sure that he never went near her. My parents thought I was just an over-protective big sister...if only they knew. For some years after he moved out, I was very wary of men, even more of male relatives. It took the love of a very special male friend during high school, to make me view men with anything less than distrust. However, I'm still not comfortable with family members being affectionate towards me. I'm okay with hugging my mum or my sister, but if she ever tries to peck me, I flinch away from her. I don't hate Uncle John, but I don't like him either. My mum noticed, and she keeps asking me why, but I can't tell her the truth. Not now, not ever.        

I know everyone has their skeletons in the closet, but I'm not ready to clean mine out yet.