Random Thoughts

Riding on a stormy weather, Hoping and praying that it never gets better, How the heck am I supposed to express my pain, I only see it written well in the drops of the rain. People looking up to the skies trying to find the sun, Wishing it breaks through the clouds so they can have some fun, But there's no reason to smile, when the only one, That could ever make me laugh is forever gone. The rainbows have no colour, The flowers all grey, Music sounds just like death, And food tastes like hay, Mondays are all better because of the grind, I throw myself into work, It takes you off my mind. But no matter how I run, Even jump out a window, You follow me all around, Like a living shadow. So I till I find some peace riding the stormy weather, I'll hope and pray that it never gets better. 

Cast me a line, For I have sailed too far, A wolf separated from the pack, Alone and without guidance, My compass rendered useless by a fall, The cloud has covered the stars, I cannot rely on nature for navigation. Cast me a line, For I am drowning, The salty water rushes into my mouth, My lungs burn with the lack of air, Ay eyes go glassy, As my blood ceases to flow, The seagulls float above my head, Knowing my end is near. Cast me a line, For I am lost in my lies, Tangled in the nest of my deception, Dragged deeper into the mire, Soon to become one with the mud, Soon to cease existing at all.

I turned on the news this morning and the reports were the same. "North Korea fires missiles" "Nanny beheads child" "Sex scandals in the Catholic church" "Migrants and authorities clash at the border" *sigh* In a world so filled with violence and misery, I live for glimpses of happiness. Little rays of sunshine that brighten up my day. Sometimes it's hearing from an old friend, getting a compliment, helping a stranger. Today, it was seeing a mother swing her child in the air. She never noticed me, sitting on the bench in the background, basking in her joy, absorbing her laughter, hearing her son giggle. A short moment in her day, a glimpse of happiness in mine.  

There's a kind of release that comes from emptying your deepest fears in a letter to your future self. Hoping that by the time you open it in one, two, or maybe three year's time, you'd be wiser to how to deal with those fears.  You put all your hopes and dreams into words, and hope that time will give you the strength to accomplish them, and the determination to stick fast to them. You tuck that letter away in a secret part of your drawers, not wanting prying eyes to take a peek, more specifically yours.  Will those dreams be a reality by the time ( Insert year ) rolls around? Will those fears be surmountable obstacles? Only time will tell, but for now, the letter is sealed and tucked away. And along with it, the emotions you wish to hold at bay. 

Dean Martin of the velvet voice, with skin like a leather tan, they don't make em like you no more. The rich timbre of your sensuous voice, glides over my heart chords, plays my emotions like a tightly strung violin, strokes my inner core into awareness... into submission. Never have I wanted, to sway across the floor, caution thrown to the wind, eyes closed to experience, all you have to offer, head thrown back to catch, the rushing wind in my hair. Baby you're bad for me, like a vodka on ice, in the middle of a scorching afternoon, but I'll be damned, for the enticement of such an Italian sin, has me drawn like a moth to flame. If I had the cure to assuage, this curly haired, dimple filled addiction that is you darling, I'd rush to the deepest canal, and dump it in the darkened waters, cause what we have honey, ain't no simple relationship, no, it's amore. 

It's been a while since I've felt like this, but it's all so familiar. The denial, the pain, and then the sweet sweet numbness. I try to rush through it a bit, jump straight from denial to being numb. Unlike before, the words to describe it are not forthcoming. But all I know it that I have to type, I have to pour it out. If it stays in...well, I don't know...I don't think it'll do my heart any good. In the grand scheme of things it seems like such a petty problem. Tears won't really help either, would they? :D What a silly little thing I am. No matter! I'll just have to keep a stiff upper lip and carry on. No need being down over something I have no control over. I expected this to happen anyway. Yet, it still hurts. 

It's midnight and once more, I'm blogging instead of sleeping. But how can I sleep, when in less than 12 hours I will be baptised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses 😆 I am nervous 😯, excited😃, and sad😢. I should be rolling around in joy, but my happiness is dampened by the fact that someone so special to me won't be there to share this memorable occassion with me. Oh how I miss them, but one must be cruel to be kind. N'est pas?